The Onion: Financial Planner Advises Shorter Life Span

The news these days is mostly cruddy. We’ll get into that in the days to come. In the meantime, leave it up to The Onion to show us that no situation is so horrible that it can’t be laughed at – even if it’s pained laughter.

Financial Planner Advises Shorter Life Span

TUCSON, AZ—After reviewing his client’s income, assets, and personal budget Tuesday, Morgan Stanley financial adviser Henry Dalton determined that Jason
Hutchinson, 43, could make the best use of his portfolio by dropping dead at the age of 62. “Taking account of inflation and the rising cost of living versus the projected direction of the economy in the coming decade, I told Mr. Hutchinson that he could significantly reduce his spending by simply living less,” Dalton said. “After looking at his investments, I calculated that he really shouldn’t live a day over 62—or 59 if he wants a funeral.” In order to help his client plan for his financial future, Dalton presented Hutchinson with several of the company’s comprehensive suicide packages.

3 thoughts on “The Onion: Financial Planner Advises Shorter Life Span

  1. Understand that people living with disabilities did not have a choices because there were disabled though birth, illness, accidents, ageing. Well were institutionalized all their lives, It will be shame if John McCain cuts more Medicaid/Medicare funding People with disabilities would end up being on the streets. People with disabilities deserver to have decent lives in their own communities to live productive lives being members of their own community rather then keeping people with disabilities in poverty.

    There is much employment discrimination against hiring person with disabilities because an employer thinks it cost too much to insured them. People with disabilities should not have to choose living with families and friends or being force into institutions ought enough to qualify for

    Medicaid Long-Term Care Coverage. I will not forgive Senator John McCain for saying that Community Choice Act.2007 is too expectative to fund Community Base Services that he rather spend more Medicaid Dollars keeping people with disabilities in institution he is down right wrong.

    We need to take this seriously what Senator John McCain has mistreated persons with disabilities unfairly and very discriminatory against people with disabilities when it comes to financial incentive rather financial disincentive to make it hard for people with disabilities to receive financial incentive to live their decent lives in their own communities. I have no respect for Senator John McCain at all never had and never will.

    Jocelyn Gallant
    Salem, New Hampshire

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