By INGRID TISCHER

Welcome to the world of Champagne lifetimes and caviar deaths! I’m Robbin’ Leech, your guide to the deathstyle media titans that are teaching us how the fabulously wealthy celebrate the moments of their end-of-lives. Today I’ll be sharing two sumptuous images from Costs Illustrated magazine and then dazzling you with one glorious Deathstyles graphic.

(Summary image descriptions: Below are 3 separate graphics that depict: a magazine cover featuring the Sarco; a one page excerpt of this magazine’s article; and a promotional graphic for the Deathstyles series. Click the image for complete alt-text or scroll down for complete image descriptions.)

Image #1: A spoof magazine cover called Costs Illustrated that’s a parody of Cook’s Illustrated, and that features a highly stylized photo of the 3-D printable death pod invented by Philip Nitschke that’s called the Sarco.

Art: A wide blue border with a narrow white border inside it that frames a painting of an old-fashioned room with golden light coming in the window. Layered on this background is a large blue metallic Sarco that gleams with reflected light. It stands leaning against the wall. Arranged around its base are Styx’s Grand Illusion album, a bunch of rotting bananas, a poisonous mushroom, a pomegranate with six seeds picked out, a banana peel, and a copy of Peter Singer’s Practical Ethics. On the bureau painted in the background are stacks of gold coins and a portrait of a vulture. There are four flies scattered around.

Text:  Banner logo of Costs Illustrated top center with Number 1979 and January/February 2022 above it. Listed in heavy white type on the left side of the image are the articles in this issue:

How a Death-Wish Becomes a Law

Australian Death Cultures: Tangy, Cheap, Utilitarian

Beyond Ethics®: Fear-Based Ethics Make Assisted-Death Policy Sausage That Naïve And/Or Craven Elected Officials Can’t Get Enough Of

Easy Weeknight Euthanasia Policy: Crips Are Dying To Save You Money

Expendable People: Bioethicists Tell Us Who’s Worthless

Sarco Death Pods: A Single-Use Appliance Worth The Hefty Price?

Image #2: An excerpt from one of Cost Illustrated’s articles: “Easy Weeknight Euthanasia Policy With Pomegranate and Baked Meats.” This is a satirical article about how ableist public policy and the Sarco work together. It spoofs the real magazine’s test-kitchen narrative style and format.

Art: An artfully simple page of text that’s free of advertising and photography. The title of the article is quite large with a smaller summary beneath it. There are unobtrusive horizontal lines at the top of the page, above and below the author’s name, and at the bottom above the page number. The main text is in a two-column format that represents a single page of a multipage article.

Text: Contains links that add to the text but aren’t essential. They do not appear in the graphic.

Easy Weeknight Euthanasia Policy With Pomegranate and Baked Meats

Costs Illustrated teams up with the America’s Test Policy lab to show how American euthanasia policy that starts with a tangy Aussie death culture and tools like the Sarco Death Pod are all you need for easy, elegant, and classy institution-quality deaths you can afford to put on a weekly rotation.

BY RALPH NADIR

With stresses from the pandemic, rising healthcare costs, algorithms that decide if you’re worthy of healthcare resources, and an aging population, nothing’s been hotter than working with death cultures or that new death-style must-have, the Sarco Death Pod. If you’re like many people, your first reaction to hearing about the Sarco is that it cannot possibly be real. But it is. The Sarco is like a Build-a-Bear workshop where you’re 3-D printing a death chamber for someone you can’t bear. As the ultimate status symbol of the rich and abled, the Sarco brings class, elegance, and sophistication to the more down-market dying experience of those you’ve given an adequately convincing appearance of loving. And the Sarco’s beautiful built-in coffin design means that it can do double-duty as server-ware for euthanasia public policy.

But there can be a steep learning curve to achieving an uninvestigated death that stays unrisen even as income drops, caregiver burnout grows, and she just doesn’t get why you need your inheritance now.

Bill or ballot measure? Paddle or fist? Ice water or time in the freezer?  Or both? There’s a lot to know.

If every unintended survival leaves you a little more flummoxed then the last, you may decide that this is a job best left to the professionals. But that would be a shame because death cultures have never been more available, and end-ware like the Sarco makes the job easier, faster, and more seemingly inevitable and compassionate.

We decided to find out the best tips and tools for a busy weeknight when you just want to get dinner on the table and hasten a death that says, “Nothing to see here.” We rigorously tested every variation to get the best death, using a whole lot of mostly older female staff from minority communities who were about to be laid off because print journalism is dying without any help from anyone. The result is an institution-quality death you’ll want to put on a weekly rotation.

Ableist Policy is the Best Policy

What you may not know is that even a hobbyist should start with the tool professionals swear by: a set of ableist public policies. (see “How a Death-Wish Becomes a Law”) Ableist public policy is a great stabilizer for almost any death culture, especially the Australian ones that are as norm warping as they are sour. Keep the ableism sharp – like the American kind now being produced – and it will create a much more forgiving policy environment for mistakes with your deaths.

If you’re a physician, the benefits of ableist policy are even clearer. If you can say, “But I was acting in good faith!” you’re covered. Even if your euthanasia learning curve intersects with the downward spiral of a patient you misdiagnosed and whose depression history you oopsed.

Properly written, legislative policy establishes a feedback loop of fear and rationalization that makes the hastening of a death a breeze. It can’t be wrong because it’s legal and it’s legal because it isn’t wrong. When you’ve got this tautology down, you’re set up for success in growing your death culture (see “Australian Death Cultures: Tangy, Cheap, Utilitarian) and learning how to say goodbye with your new little friend, the Sarco.

The Sarco: It Comes From a Land Down Six Feet Under

If you don’t have a ready supply of vulnerable test subjects who are unaware of their rights, don’t worry. Crips will be dying to save you money if you present the Sarco as the creation of one of the two extremely masculineAustralian men at work on saving crips, in a manly and rational way, from themselves. Plus, crips are available year round, they’re low-cost, and the pandemic has only increased the diversity and longevity of many previously difficult to source varieties too delicate for

[Footer:]  Costs Illustrated, 13

Image #3: An old promotional graphic for the program, Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous With Robin Leach that’s been altered to read, Deathstyles of the Rich and Abled With Robbin’ Leech.

Art:  Gold logo of The Deathstyles of the Rich and Abled with Robbin’ Leech against a black background. To the right is a doctored photo of Robin Leach in what can only be described as a casual tuxedo look, and holding a glass of champagne next to a table with a bottle of bubbly and a bowl of caviar with a tiered cake in the background and a huge bunch of flowers.  Layered on top of Robbin’s face is a cutout of Marty Feldman’s face and a separate cutout of a filthy captain’s hat on top. There are about six flies buzzing about the whole graphic.

Text: Two signs are on the wall. The gold one reads VIP RIP “End-of-Life Options & You” in Penthouse. Right below that is a dingy sign reading, No Elevator To Penthouse Stairs Only. Layered on Robbin’ is a bright yellow star-shaped quote, “It’s Champagne lifetimes and caviar deaths here on Deathstyles of the Rich and Abled!”